umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
