She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
