eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He? As in you personified your dick?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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