Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
