Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
