I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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