I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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