I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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