This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
