Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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