I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
