the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I met the friendliest cop last night
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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