I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
