I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
