Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
