Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
