Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
