I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
