you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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