Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
