So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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