I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
