When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize