Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
