i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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