Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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