He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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