i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
