new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
