Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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