when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
ttyl tear gas
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
