If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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