Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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