Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
