You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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