Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
