I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
