He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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