shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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