why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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