I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
