Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize