I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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