I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
