Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
