it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
