everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize