she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
