Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
