last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
