A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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