i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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