I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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