the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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