I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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