We're like a lot better than the average bears
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
