the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
