those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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