I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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